Following a harrowing three weeks in Sudbury, it occurred to me that Southerners take many things for granted. Living in the GTA, you very often hear the daily groans about cost of living, transportation, infrastructure and whatever other banal axiom can be drummed up. I will tell you this, if in any way you feel dissatisfied with living in the GTA, go spend a week or two in the Mecca of troglodytes that is; Sudbury. Upon entry into the grand city of hicks, you will soon notice that the city is built on possibly the worst terrain known to man. Either that, or the city just simply neglected to construct roads and just pieced together other cities' scrap, recycled asphalt. The roads are heaving, shifting, gaping, cracking and full of holes. There also seems to be a disturbing amount of construction. One must wonder why the roads are in such a state of disrepair. With all this construction afoot, you would think the roads would be impeccable. Not the case, for a simple reason. You see, in Sudbury, the construction mantra is, 'tear it up, put pylons out there, spray paint a florescent warning around the manholes protruding eight inches from the road and lets call it a day'. Unfortunately, this “day” of which they “call it” turns out to be months, thus explaining the perpetual construction and abysmal road surfaces.
I'm going to continue now by talking about the people. It came to my attention rather quickly that unless you fit into the likes of mullets, tattered jeans, tucked in greasy t-shirts, beer guts and cigarettes, you will be gawked at, and gawked at lots. It seems this dunce populous can smell that you are from elsewhere. Of course, the smell of clean clothes, showered and clean-cut appearance likely gives it away. Furthermore, since I do not 'tip the scales,' that was possibly another giveaway. The obesity rate has to be well above 50% of the population in Sudbury. People just do not walk, and it's not because of the decrepit sidewalks. It's because all the basic necessities are within a waddles distance. Thats right, I'm talking about Tim Horton's coffee shops and Shoppers Drug Mart stores. People in Sudbury must be sick and hungry because, there is an endless sea of these two amenities.
I think Sudbury also has a mayor from a 1950's rural, Christian town movie because every night, stores close at 9:00PM sharp. Including grocery stores. Thats right, if in the evening, you find yourself with a hankering for a snack typically acquired from a supermarket, your out of luck. And just when you thought that a town on lock-down every day of the week was bad, it gets worse. On Sunday, everything closes at 6:00PM. All these sick and hungry Sudburians must stock up during the 'early bird' hours because when average people are ready to do some 'running around', the city is in cessation. I have never seen such a place rife with inconveniences. Back home in the GTA, if I want pineapple at two in the morning, I will have a pineapple at two in the morning.
Going back to the people for a moment, I left out a very important custom. If you're ever visiting this place, it might be favorable to you, if you intend to blend in; You must learn how to speak Sudbury. Before you panic and think you have a new language to learn, trust me, its very simple. All you have to do is, after every second or third word, (second if you are a virile Sudburian, third if you are a poltroon) you must include in your sentences, any [exploitive deleted] that comes to mind. I noticed that the locals prefer to use “fuck” while discussing with their friends; the unusually long wait time in the Tim Horton's drive through, and how their 'Chevy Truck' could not handle the excessive idling in such a hot (10 Celsius) temperature.
On a final note, I was about to write a strongly worded email to Google regarding their directions, because for a brief moment, I thought it had sent me to Quebec. Good God, why is everything in French? It is a city in Ontario. I could understand if there was a French district similar to Chinatown or Greektown in Toronto where it seems appropriate to have an alternate language on street and store signs. In Sudbury, the whole city must be a French-Town. Fittingly, in a city with uneducated, benighted hicks, comes the city officials who have yet to learn that Ontario happens to be separate from Quebec. Oh Sudbury, how I'll miss your limited opportunities, unusually large, inane people, dense plumes of smoke bellowing from atop that arbitrarily situated stack (Which you promote, for some reason), small buildings, roads dating back to horse and buggy days and limited shopping hours (Due to your city officials, who feel compelled to keep the populous on a curfew). I would close by saying, for more elaboration, you really need to visit among yourselves, however, I do not wish the pain of visiting this palace of disparity on anyone.
I have to live here for a few more months then never setting foot in Sudbury again :)
ReplyDeleteThis is the most ignorant rant I have ever wasted my time reading. And if you are going to complain about a city full of 'uneducated hicks', you might want to brush up on your spelling, grammar and punctuation and refrain from random capitalization.
ReplyDeleteYour English is so poor that someone from Sudbury is correcting it! Cidiot (city + idiot).
Trying to make yourself seem smart! haha
DeleteSomething said must have offended you.. You must be one of the people he is talking about lmaoo! Grow up.
This is 99% true and I live in this shit hole! The commenter above me most be one of the overweight, tim hortons loving hicks that lives here. -- Has to try & feel smart by correcting your spelling, probably cause she has 6 kids, uneducated and lives on geared to income housing - like most people here seem to do!
ReplyDeleteI spend many years in Toronto, and it was hell to come back here, it is like another world - the twilight zone!
I agree with you 100% -- You forgot to mention Sudbury drivers. :)
Keep up the good work.
I've lived in Sudbury for 48 years, and it is a big steaming shit hole! My wife retires in 6 years "Good grief, that long" and we are out of this forsaken hole.
ReplyDelete@Anon March 25,
ReplyDeleteHow do you do it for 48 years? Been here 3, and already can't stand it...Especially as of late. I'm not in the city, I'm in a well-known smaller outlying area with a bad rep--which it clearly earned....
Lived there 10 years, what a waste of existence, im so glad I moved out of that steamy shithole full of rotten youth and zombie adults. Get out of there and start living.....trust me on this, you won't miss Scudbury.
ReplyDeleteI've been living in Sudbury for 10 years, and it's true that if you don't fit in, people will make your life tough. For example, if you have an accent, they don't like that. It's much more than that, but your article is on point.
ReplyDeleteEverybody is so frustrated up there. More relaxing down south. More respectful men to choose from down here. Was glad to move on from several exes and their frumpy wives in Shitbury
ReplyDeleteJust traveled across Canada, can confirm that Sudbury is the Asscrack of Ontario.
ReplyDeleteFunny! The northern towns/cities like Timmins etc are the hemorrhoids.
DeleteUhh, lived in a few different places around the world. Raised in Sudbury, lived here 50 yrs. It is a shit hole. The union, simple minded, post pubescent idiots in this town far outnumber the descent folk. The infrastructure is in shambles, and town council is a complete feckless old farts club. Now the weather. If you survive the shitty winter, you have two weeks in early spring and late fall where your not swatting gaddamn blackflies, mosquitos, horse flies, deer flies and pine bugs. Yah, it's a shit hole, and don't let anyone tell you different.
ReplyDeleteAll of this sounds horrible. I am about to uproot my family to move there in a few months. Letting go of my 22 year seniority at my job and dragging my pre teens there to start a whole new life. We love the outdoors and there is plenty of outdoorsy stuff to do there. Hoping for a quieter, simple life with less population density. It is part of our retirement dream.
ReplyDeleteI was born and raised in Sudbury and lived here until I was 25 when I left for a career in Southern Ontario in 2001. I lived in Halton region and worked in Peel region for 22 years. Southern Ontario is full of a bunch of soul-less do-nothing-for-themselves types.. and traffic 'everywhere' is aweful. My 13km drive to work took 25 minutes every damn day (no matter what route I tried). I have since moved back to Sudbury -- sold my insanely overvalued house down there and moved up here for good; while thankfully being given the opportunity to work remotely. So I earn my money from the decadent south -- and spend it up here.. I imagine most people that bitch about Sudbury live in the more central/western areas -- which are indeed shitholes.. New Sudbury, Garson, South-End are all decent (even Hanmer is ok). Everything in the middle is pretty much as described by the OP.
ReplyDeleteGrew up in Sudbury but have been gone for many years. In the 60s and 70s, it was a fun place to live. At that time, the downtown core was a great place to hang out. All kinds of great bars with live music, some good delis and eateries and great local businesses. In the past, Sudbury had great paying jobs and was a safe place to live. It has always been a blue-collar mining town but also had a university, some colleges and a decent arts, music and cultural scene. From what I hear, the town has gotten rougher due to the drug scene and neglected development in the downtown core. Many of the old family businesses are gone. There seems to be a depressive cloud or malaise hanging over the place - like a city in decline. Not sure where it will go from here.
ReplyDeleteI live here red neck all the way
DeleteSaid like a true Torontonian.
ReplyDelete