Sudbury: The Worst City

Following a harrowing three weeks in Sudbury, it occurred to me that Southerners take many things for granted. Living in the GTA, you very often hear the daily groans about cost of living, transportation, infrastructure and whatever other banal axiom can be drummed up. I will tell you this, if in any way you feel dissatisfied with living in the GTA, go spend a week or two in the Mecca of troglodytes that is; Sudbury. Upon entry into the grand city of hicks, you will soon notice that the city is built on possibly the worst terrain known to man. Either that, or the city just simply neglected to construct roads and just pieced together other cities' scrap, recycled asphalt. The roads are heaving, shifting, gaping, cracking and full of holes. There also seems to be a disturbing amount of construction. One must wonder why the roads are in such a state of disrepair. With all this construction afoot, you would think the roads would be impeccable. Not the case, for a simple reason. You see, in Sudbury, the construction mantra is, 'tear it up, put pylons out there, spray paint a florescent warning around the manholes protruding eight inches from the road and lets call it a day'. Unfortunately, this “day” of which they “call it” turns out to be months, thus explaining the perpetual construction and abysmal road surfaces.

I'm going to continue now by talking about the people. It came to my attention rather quickly that unless you fit into the likes of mullets, tattered jeans, tucked in greasy t-shirts, beer guts and cigarettes, you will be gawked at, and gawked at lots. It seems this dunce populous can smell that you are from elsewhere. Of course, the smell of clean clothes, showered and clean-cut appearance likely gives it away. Furthermore, since I do not 'tip the scales,' that was possibly another giveaway. The obesity rate has to be well above 50% of the population in Sudbury. People just do not walk, and it's not because of the decrepit sidewalks. It's because all the basic necessities are within a waddles distance. Thats right, I'm talking about Tim Horton's coffee shops and Shoppers Drug Mart stores. People in Sudbury must be sick and hungry because, there is an endless sea of these two amenities.

I think Sudbury also has a mayor from a 1950's rural, Christian town movie because every night, stores close at 9:00PM sharp. Including grocery stores. Thats right, if in the evening, you find yourself with a hankering for a snack typically acquired from a supermarket, your out of luck. And just when you thought that a town on lock-down every day of the week was bad, it gets worse. On Sunday, everything closes at 6:00PM. All these sick and hungry Sudburians must stock up during the 'early bird' hours because when average people are ready to do some 'running around', the city is in cessation. I have never seen such a place rife with inconveniences. Back home in the GTA, if I want pineapple at two in the morning, I will have a pineapple at two in the morning.


Going back to the people for a moment, I left out a very important custom. If you're ever visiting this place, it might be favorable to you, if you intend to blend in; You must learn how to speak Sudbury. Before you panic and think you have a new language to learn, trust me, its very simple. All you have to do is, after every second or third word, (second if you are a virile Sudburian, third if you are a poltroon) you must include in your sentences, any [exploitive deleted] that comes to mind. I noticed that the locals prefer to use “fuck” while discussing with their friends; the unusually long wait time in the Tim Horton's drive through, and how their 'Chevy Truck' could not handle the excessive idling in such a hot (10 Celsius) temperature.

On a final note, I was about to write a strongly worded email to Google regarding their directions, because for a brief moment, I thought it had sent me to Quebec. Good God, why is everything in French? It is a city in Ontario. I could understand if there was a French district similar to Chinatown or Greektown in Toronto where it seems appropriate to have an alternate language on street and store signs. In Sudbury, the whole city must be a French-Town. Fittingly, in a city with uneducated, benighted hicks, comes the city officials who have yet to learn that Ontario happens to be separate from Quebec. Oh Sudbury, how I'll miss your limited opportunities, unusually large, inane people, dense plumes of smoke bellowing from atop that arbitrarily situated stack (Which you promote, for some reason), small buildings, roads dating back to horse and buggy days and limited shopping hours (Due to your city officials, who feel compelled to keep the populous on a curfew). I would close by saying, for more elaboration, you really need to visit among yourselves, however, I do not wish the pain of visiting this palace of disparity on anyone.